XWP Episode Recap: 1x14: A Fistful of Dinars

A Fistful of Dinars
Episode 1x14
By Rye B. Old
Screencaps from miroirdarc.com and angelbacchae.com

   

    A Fistful of Dinars? Are they gonna do it? Are they?? A Fistful of Datas was a western. A Fistful of Traveller’s Cheques was a western. A Fistful of Paintballs was…well, that was Community, so I don’t know what the fuck it was. But no, the Xena episode in question is not a western, although they do one later. So why a play on A Fistful of Dollars? Who knows. All I know is that 'fistful' no longer sounds like a word.

    Instead of a western, we get a cheesy adventure movie throwback—and who doesn’t like that? I’m not saying this is pure Indiana Jones (now that’s cheesy adventure movie throwback if there ever was one…er, four, I guess), but it’s along those lines, which is always fun. Booby traps in ancient temples, treasure, shady characters, maps, clues, betrayal, and a Chakram. What could be better?

    The two shady characters we meet are Thersites and Petracles, who are competing to get the Lost Treasure of the Sumerians; they have three clues between them and cannot reach the destination unless they work together (grudgingly would be an understatement). Xena, being generally amazing, has the fourth clue.

     

Also, because she’s generally amazing, she has extra information: that within the bountiful Sumerian Treasure lays the Titan Key, which will lead you to ambrosia—food of the gods. If mortals eat it, they’ll become gods. She only tells Gabrielle and the audience this, of course, not the two shady thugs because nobody in their right mind would want either of those slimeballs getting god powers.

          Gabrielle: So that’s why you want to go with these assholes. You’re gonna basically babysit      them and make sure they don’t get it?

          Xena: Yeah, pretty much. Kinda sucks, but whatevs.
          Gabrielle: Hmm, thought so. I mean, with you being good and minimalist now and trying to redeem yourself, you wouldn’t be after the treasure and ambrosia yourself or anything.

          Xena: Nah, bro. I’m cool.

   

    So just who are these two shady dudes? Thersites is a bleached-blonde douchebag assassin (played by Jeremy Roberts, who reappears later as Aiden in Paradise Found), and Petracles is a scheming, lying, woman-using warlord. He’s so successfully manipulative, in fact, that he once convinced Xena to marry him. But don’t worry, it was a long time ago, and she threw his engagement bracelet in the fire because that’s where she throws all her garbage.

    Gabrielle is appropriately shocked by the news of this bygone engagement, but is also intrigued by Xena’s negative description of Petracles for some reason. Hitherto, she’s enjoyed fresh-faced, gentle young men with bad ‘90s hair, but Petracles is the opposite, and gets her attention although she also seems afraid of him. But at least there’s one constant: he also has ‘90s hair. Maybe even ‘80s hair. Shaved on top and long, scraggly around it. It sort of makes me gag to look at, but maybe King Gregor could learn a thing or two from this raging mullet. It’s really quite a specimen.

       Gabrielle: That’s quite a mullet you have. In a few thousand years, I bet it’ll be a fad again.

       Petracles: Yeah, well, I’m a trendsetter. And I’m not really such a bad guy. I’m bad-ass, don’t get me wrong, but I ain’t evil, so you can let your guard down. Hey, how ‘bout you dish some extra info? I bet Xena knows more than she’s letting on.
       Gabrielle: Pfft. I’m not that easy. I’m not as young and naïve as I look.
       Petracles:  Okay, good, ‘cause I’m totally gonna flirt with you.
       Gabrielle: Alright, but Xena won’t like it. She told me you’re a lying douchebag.

       Xena: Hey! Come walk ahead with me, Gabrielle. Stop talking to that lying douchebag.

       Gabrielle: Trust me! I’m an adult! Which I’m saying as I huff away.
       Xena: Right. Adult. I’m just gonna stand here a few moments and look worried/jealous.

I can't stop looking at your mullet.

     

    The four adventurers make their way to a charming place with rotting skeletons rotating on Torture Discs™, complete with icky spiders crawling out of eye sockets, and tense, Native drumming coming from the trees. I think they’re in Peyes (sp?) territory, but since the first season isn’t captioned/subtitled, I can’t be sure of that (corrections are welcome). At any rate, they all draw their weapons and skulk along cautiously into the forest because these locals “don’t take prisoners,” hence the rotting skeletons on Torture Discs™.

Torture Disc™

    

   Drumming gets tenser, they get showered by arrows and run towards a wobbly, unsafe bridge (a la Raiders of the Lost Ark) and bleached-blonde Thersites ruins everything by trying to overtake Gabrielle on her way across the bridge, even though Xena very explicitly said One At A Time.

    Naturally, the bridge snaps under all this excitement, and the two who were crossing try not to fall into the yawning, rushing chasm below. Thersites climbs up over Gabrielle, who’s hanging on vertically against one side of the cliff but Can’t Hang On much longer! Xena, still stuck on the other side, backs up just a little and summersaults across said yawning chasm and rushing river-o-death, astounding physicists and laymen viewers alike, clamps onto the hanging bridge and helps Gabrielle up to safety.

    Anyway, as the adventure continues, and Xena plays moderator and tries to get the two shady dudes to stop betraying one another and stealing each other’s clues, she also tries to keep Petracles away from Gabrielle, who have been doing the I-kinda-hate-you-but-I’m-flirting-with-you-anyway thing. Subtexters rejoice! She even threatens Petracles with her blood-flow-to-brain-cutting-off-finger-thingy to keep him away from her, which doesn’t totally work since Petracles has already had his tongue down Gabrielle’s throat—but hey, she tried. That’s all we ask.

    On the non-subtext side, we get more adventuring, figuring out clues, traps in the temple—all the standard Adventure Stuff, but it’s no less exciting because it is standard; it makes me want to go on an impossible adventure. They even ransack one of Demeter’s temples to get a ruby which is needed to unlock the Sumerian stuff, which seems a bit sacrilegious to me, but what the fuck do I know?

 
Once inside in the Sumerian Treasure Room, they find Xena’s information was correct: the Titan Key does unlock ambrosia, which is the first (but not the last) time we see it in Xena. Turns out ambrosia is a red, rubbery, jiggly mass which fell out of June Cleaver’s Jell-O mould. No clue why they settled on this as a design, but I love it, if only because it’s so unexpectedly, and delightfully, ridiculous.

    

    Both shady dudes end up dying mere inches away from the ambrosia, and in one of the worst sap-up-the-wrap-up endings ever, Xena forgives Petracles for being a douchebag, because in his dying second he presents something he’d claimed to have gotten rid of years ago: his wedding bracelet. ‘Cause he and Xena were supposed to be married once, remember? Ugh. So Xena gets all ‘I’m sorry I doubted you,’ Gabrielle gives her a sympathetic look or a little hand-fondle or something, then they throw the ambrosia into a convenient fiery river.

    “I was wrong about Petracles,” says Xena. “He was a good man.”

     Uh, how was he a good man? Because he kept your engagement bracelet all these years? I dunno. That seems kinda weak to me; I mean, why do we have to have a cheeseball moment? Why does he have to be forgiven? Who cares? Anyway, she and Gab have another hand-fondling moment, then they walk away, leaving the ambrosia to melt or explode or whatever the fuck happens to Jell-O when you set fire to it, and that’s all she wrote.

Mrs Cleaver says this is a waste of good Jell-O.

    For some reason, I always think I hate this episode. Whenever I’ve rewatched Season One episodes, this is one I always skip; but, since I’m vowing to watch every episode again, including the poo episodes (but minus FIN), I’ve found I’m wrong. A Fistful of Dinars was a lot more entertaining than I remembered, but I do also remember why I veered away from it. Yes, it’s a fun adventure, but if I weren’t always wishing there weren’t pointless, throw-away male interests in every fucking episode this season, I’d have enjoyed this episode much more. The first season’s in-your-face, constant stream of love interests is exhausting, repetitive, and actually feels perfunctory; instead of getting on with a good story, there’s all this Dude Drama and it takes away from the some of the episodes. Sometimes, yes, it’s totally relevant to the plot; other times, it feels forced and unnecessary, and that’s when I have a problem. And I’m not saying that because I’m a big ol’ dyke and wish they’d get on with the gay shit (although the gay shit doesn’t totally materialize); I resist love stories in general because overall I’m more interested in plot.

    Well, maybe I'm a bit based...but still, plot is my concern. I promise.

  

 

XWP Episode Recap: 1x13: Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards

Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards
Episode 1x13
By Rye B. Old
Screencaps from miroirdarc.com

    I’m gonna live forever…Fame! I mean…bard?

    Whatever.

    After telling a story in a tavern for some dough (and thus soothing any ruffians who might normally have tried picking her up), Gabrielle is approached by yet another wholesome young man with ‘90s hair. He tells her about The Bard Competition, which he’s entering in hopes of gaining entrance to the New York City High School of the Performing Arts Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards and that she should enter, too.

        ‘90s Hair Boy: You’re so good at stories!
        Gabrielle: I like stories. Do you like stories?

        ‘90s Hair Boy: I like telling stories, too!

        Gabrielle: OMFG stories!!!

    So, completely forgetting the death of her asthmatic (or whatever was wrong with him) friend Talus, Iolaus, Perdicus, what’s-his-face from The Titans, etc., and possibly to show up 90’s Hair Boy’s condescending, control-freak father, Gabrielle is joyfully Tartarus-bent on going to New York Athens and will most likely get googly-eyed at ‘90s Hair Boy.

    By the way, we know ‘90s Hair Boy’s father is not to be liked because he: a) thinks girls shouldn’t be bards and assumed Gabby’s story was ‘cute’ and about housework, and: b) wants his son to crush the competition, not crush on them. I guess this dude was the pre-Mycean equivalent of a Dragon Mother.

    Anyway, Gabrielle’s decision means she’ll be reversing the norm: she’ll leaving Xena for once. The latter has a gig defending innocent, delicious cattle from a giant (or something), and they have a sweet, teary goodbye at the tavern. Gabrielle says if she gets accepted to the Academy, she might be gone four or five years, and Xena tries not to look sad.

      

        Xena: You’re like a sister to me.
        Gabrielle: So…this isn’t a subtext moment?

        Xena: Nah, you’re like family. Uh, ‘kay, bye.

   

    She leaves abruptly, leaving Gabrielle to cry for about three seconds and ruining what really was a tender moment.

   Meanwhile, at The Academy, Gabrielle meets 90’s Hair Boy again, plus some other wannabe bards. She submits a fake application to the no-nonsense admissions lady who looks appropriately doubtful about the falsified form but lets her into the competition anyway.

   So what happens? The aspiring young bards tell stories. They encourage each other. They think 90’s Hair Boy’s dad is kind of a dink. They tell more stories, and Gabrielle can’t shut up about her best friend Xena.

    So…basically nothing happens, because, in short, it’s a clip show. It’s so clippy, in fact, that there are clips from OTHER things. Like Spartacus. So, mixed in with Gabrielle’s stories with Xena (and Hercules) clips (‘cause obviously, all of Gabby’s stories are all about how awesome and butch Xena is, and namedrops about how they’re ‘best friends’ every three seconds), we also get to look at Kirk Douglas and other things that don’t belong in this show.

   Gabrielle and her four new friends (Euripides, Stallonus, Twickenham, and ‘90s Hair Boy, whom we later learn is Homer) are delightfully non-competitive and encourage one another and get all chummy; the four dudes even refuse to participate in The Bard Competition once the powers that be realize Gabrielle shouldn’t be there and want to boot her out. She tells such a great story that the Head Bard Academy Dude says it’s a sin they wanted to kick her out, she should be allowed to compete, and encouraging music swells, etc., etc.

   Gabby doesn’t end up getting into the school despite how amazing everyone thinks she is, Homer makes amends with his control-freak father, gives Gabs a G-rated kiss cheek, and Gabrielle rejoins on Xena the road. Just…randomly strolling down the road, there, and they meet up, and as stupid as that encounter is it makes me happy and I don’t know why.

    To her credit, Gabrielle deals with rejection pretty well, and says she’d rather be living adventures than telling them anyway, so it’s all good.

    Then there’s a band of dumb-looking, growling thugs in the road, who stand there and pause and growl long enough for Gabrielle to say, ‘This is gonna make a great story!’

Annnnd. Scene.

    Well, it’s cute, I guess, but clip shows are usually not so hot anyway. And why are they always Gabrielle-centric? Not that I’m complaining; I’m a Gab fan myself. But I’m curious—was that to give Lucy Lawless a breather? I suppose it must have been. Now, if I had the money to go to a convention, and if I had the guts to get up and ask a question, that might be it.

   I guess there isn’t much else to say about this one.